Lifestyle | Autistic and Pregnant #1

Hello there :) How is everyone? We are properly getting into march now and the weather is starting to warm up yippee and about time. I don't know where the time goes, seems to wiz by in my old age of 22. 

Today I thought I would talk to you all a little bit about my experience of being pregnant with Aspergers. It's not something easy to write about and I think I'm going to have to do it over a few different posts so not to bore you all. 

Where to start hey?! So if you don't already know I'm Anna-Louise and I'm 22 years old and I have Aspergers and with that have had a lot of anxiety. I'm now pregnant, currently 32 weeks and I thought I would tell you all a little bit about my story.

April 2017 I married my best friend which was a challenge and an achievement in itself. We made the whole day completely tailored around what I could and couldn't cope with so that I was able to fully enjoy the day without any panic attacks or meltdowns. If you know anything about Aspergers you will know that Aspies don't cope well with change, people, sensory overload etc so the wedding was a big deal for me. Now the sensible thing would have been to try and settle after that and get used to married life and well just calm things down so I could get back to my routine (something that is very important for an autistic person). However we thought it would be a good idea to try for a baby instead. I say try we just weren't being careful anymore and were just planning on seeing what happened (thinking it would take a long time) and well apparently we are both fertile myrtles and here we are now a year later having a baby. 

The baby is due to arrive via the sun roof a couple of days before our 1st wedding anniversary, so last year we were hectic wedding planning, now we are manic getting ready for our new arrival. So a nice  and quiet life with a steady routine for me so I can cope, or NOT. 

We both knew pregnancy would never be easy for me, but I'm not sure either of us knew quite how difficult and challenging it would be. I have to say being pregnant is the hardest challenge I have ever had to face, don't get me wrong I'm super excited to meet our little person but it's been a real struggle for me to get to where I am now and there is still a long way to go. 

Before I got pregnant I was on a number of different medications, which all worked great for me and enabled me to have steady thoughts, no real meltdowns and as I like to say feel normal (although everyone is unique in their own little way so what is normal?). However two of the medications were definitely not safe to take during pregnancy so had to be stopped immediately and the other is okay to take but it can carry risks so we decided to weigh up the pros and cons and I decided to stay on one of the medications as it was likely I would be at risk to myself if I came off it. This was hard, as I went from being in a good place where I was in control of myself to being on this crazy spiral of hormones, emotions (which I struggle to understand and read) and morning sickness or as I like to call it all day sickness. 

I have gone from being a positive up beat happy person, to a stranger. I don't feel like me at all which for an autistic person is frightening. I was able to carry on with the one medication up until about 24 weeks of pregnancy when I started to notice I wasn't feeling the baby as much, so I kept going into hospital to be monitored and they decided to send me for an extra scan where they found out I had an extremely large amount of extra fluid in my womb, they weren't sure what was causing it at first (which was incredibly never wracking) so I was sent for specialist scans. When I found out I had a lot of fluid I made the decision myself to stop taking my medication till we knew what was going on. A few days later I went for my specialist scan which was a challenge as with Aspergers you like to know what's going on and you also like to go to familiar places and this specialist scan meant I had to go to a different hospital, so there were different smells and environment - basically a big sensory overload situation for me. 

The professor carrying out the scans first thought was that the build up of fluid was because of my medication that I was still on, and my fluid had gone down since my previous scan and I hadn't been on my medication, so it was concluded that it was highly likely that it was the medication causing this so it was agreed that I was to stop taking it completely for the rest of my pregnancy. Everything was absolutely fine with the baby and little one even had a heart echo. It's incredible what they are able to do now. There were other queries that it might be down to me and the baby having a form of diabetes, known as diabetes insipudious which the medication has caused, however my fluid is now back to a normal level and I also have a very big baby (can thank my 6ft6 husband for that) so the likely thing is that it was due to my medication. 

Because of the extra fluid I also was in for almost daily monitoring of the baby as I was unable to feel his movements which has been a challenge in itself, and not helping me feel the way I have been. The constant unknown has been unbearable. I've also had the support of a fantastic perinatal psychiatric nurse who I have seen weekly, which although the support has been great has meant that most of my pregnancy has been spent in and out of hospital.

When I initially stopped my medication I was on a high, I felt amazing and even thought I may be able to come off my medication permanently which would have been amazing. However that was not meant to be and I slowly started to really spiral down, I started having daily meltdowns again, I was violent towards those closest to me, I was incredibly irritable, I didn't want to have the baby as I thought I wasn't good enough, I would cry and scream for no reason, I would hit my belly as I wanted the baby out,  I didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house, I hated myself so much - the only thing keeping me here was my love for the little human inside of me and deep down I want this baby more than anything and I know I'll be a good mum, I just couldn't see it at this point. I had been on the medication for 5 years before my pregnancy, I was put on it when I was diagnosed with Aspergers and it really helped like I mentioned earlier. The feelings I was getting were how it had been for me all my life up until I started my medication and I hated it, I hated being out of control again, I hated struggling, I hated not understanding. I was cross and upset with myself that things were so difficult. It was having an impact on my whole family and my husband. I tell you what though I couldn't do any of this without them they have been my rocks throughout all of this. I have incredible parents, and a husband who's love for me is so strong he will stick by my side despite him seeing me fall apart and tell him I hate him on a daily basis. ( I don't hate any of them but how I felt led me to hating everyone and myself) 

It was then decided that it might be an idea to try me on a form of sedatives to help calm me through the rest of my pregnancy and they did absolutely nothing. I was still out of control and on a constant downwards spiral. It was then suggested to try me on a new medication which has sedatives and a mood stabiliser in it. I was very reluctant at first as I did not want any side affects to affect my little person in my belly. This medication is safe to take during pregnancy so after a lot of persuasion from the professionals I decided to give it a go. To begin with it did absolutely nothing apart from completely knock me out so I would sleep as I just couldn't settle or rest my mind. So the fact I was able to sleep was a good thing. We have been slowly increasing the dose so that it is starting to act as a mood stabiliser, and I'm starting to notice a difference in myself. I'm now washing and starting to care for myself again and going out to appointments without my hat on ( when i'm struggling I wear a wooly hat as it helps me cope with sensory overload and going out in public - makes me feel safe like I'm in my own bubble). 

I've still got a long way to go till I'm back on track and where I want to be but I feel I'm going in the right direction now and I can see an end to all this. Its only 7 weeks till our little one arrives and then I can get my body back, which is something I have really struggled with in pregnancy. Having Aspergers means I absolutely hate change and well being pregnant means things are constantly changing, and I'm not able to do my daily routine and not able to look after the horses or the dogs, but I'm starting to get excited for the arrival of baby smith. I can also see an end to all this unknown and being able to get myself back to the happy smiley Anna I really am and in to a new routine that will suit me and little one. 

So there you go that is just a small bit of my pregnancy story of being pregnant with Aspergers. Like I said it has been the most challenging thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding thing, and I feel blessed every day that I'm able to grow a little person and for mine and Jacks life to start as a family of 3 and get back to our new normal. I'm so grateful for my amazing parents and husband, I really don't know where I would be without them.  I now just keep telling myself that every day I am one step closer to meeting baby smith and that is keeping me going, and that I have done amazing to get as far as I have done and I can do this. I'm also trying to smile everyday as it's so easy to forget to when your down but a smile a day does keep the doctor away.

 This blog post has a picture of Robin because he always manages to make me smile and has helped me through the rough times.

Anyway enough rambling for this blog post.

Hope you are all well and jolly 

Anna-Louise 

xx