Lifestyle | Autistic and Pregnant #1

Hello there :) How is everyone? We are properly getting into march now and the weather is starting to warm up yippee and about time. I don't know where the time goes, seems to wiz by in my old age of 22. 

Today I thought I would talk to you all a little bit about my experience of being pregnant with Aspergers. It's not something easy to write about and I think I'm going to have to do it over a few different posts so not to bore you all. 

Where to start hey?! So if you don't already know I'm Anna-Louise and I'm 22 years old and I have Aspergers and with that have had a lot of anxiety. I'm now pregnant, currently 32 weeks and I thought I would tell you all a little bit about my story.

April 2017 I married my best friend which was a challenge and an achievement in itself. We made the whole day completely tailored around what I could and couldn't cope with so that I was able to fully enjoy the day without any panic attacks or meltdowns. If you know anything about Aspergers you will know that Aspies don't cope well with change, people, sensory overload etc so the wedding was a big deal for me. Now the sensible thing would have been to try and settle after that and get used to married life and well just calm things down so I could get back to my routine (something that is very important for an autistic person). However we thought it would be a good idea to try for a baby instead. I say try we just weren't being careful anymore and were just planning on seeing what happened (thinking it would take a long time) and well apparently we are both fertile myrtles and here we are now a year later having a baby. 

The baby is due to arrive via the sun roof a couple of days before our 1st wedding anniversary, so last year we were hectic wedding planning, now we are manic getting ready for our new arrival. So a nice  and quiet life with a steady routine for me so I can cope, or NOT. 

We both knew pregnancy would never be easy for me, but I'm not sure either of us knew quite how difficult and challenging it would be. I have to say being pregnant is the hardest challenge I have ever had to face, don't get me wrong I'm super excited to meet our little person but it's been a real struggle for me to get to where I am now and there is still a long way to go. 

Before I got pregnant I was on a number of different medications, which all worked great for me and enabled me to have steady thoughts, no real meltdowns and as I like to say feel normal (although everyone is unique in their own little way so what is normal?). However two of the medications were definitely not safe to take during pregnancy so had to be stopped immediately and the other is okay to take but it can carry risks so we decided to weigh up the pros and cons and I decided to stay on one of the medications as it was likely I would be at risk to myself if I came off it. This was hard, as I went from being in a good place where I was in control of myself to being on this crazy spiral of hormones, emotions (which I struggle to understand and read) and morning sickness or as I like to call it all day sickness. 

I have gone from being a positive up beat happy person, to a stranger. I don't feel like me at all which for an autistic person is frightening. I was able to carry on with the one medication up until about 24 weeks of pregnancy when I started to notice I wasn't feeling the baby as much, so I kept going into hospital to be monitored and they decided to send me for an extra scan where they found out I had an extremely large amount of extra fluid in my womb, they weren't sure what was causing it at first (which was incredibly never wracking) so I was sent for specialist scans. When I found out I had a lot of fluid I made the decision myself to stop taking my medication till we knew what was going on. A few days later I went for my specialist scan which was a challenge as with Aspergers you like to know what's going on and you also like to go to familiar places and this specialist scan meant I had to go to a different hospital, so there were different smells and environment - basically a big sensory overload situation for me. 

The professor carrying out the scans first thought was that the build up of fluid was because of my medication that I was still on, and my fluid had gone down since my previous scan and I hadn't been on my medication, so it was concluded that it was highly likely that it was the medication causing this so it was agreed that I was to stop taking it completely for the rest of my pregnancy. Everything was absolutely fine with the baby and little one even had a heart echo. It's incredible what they are able to do now. There were other queries that it might be down to me and the baby having a form of diabetes, known as diabetes insipudious which the medication has caused, however my fluid is now back to a normal level and I also have a very big baby (can thank my 6ft6 husband for that) so the likely thing is that it was due to my medication. 

Because of the extra fluid I also was in for almost daily monitoring of the baby as I was unable to feel his movements which has been a challenge in itself, and not helping me feel the way I have been. The constant unknown has been unbearable. I've also had the support of a fantastic perinatal psychiatric nurse who I have seen weekly, which although the support has been great has meant that most of my pregnancy has been spent in and out of hospital.

When I initially stopped my medication I was on a high, I felt amazing and even thought I may be able to come off my medication permanently which would have been amazing. However that was not meant to be and I slowly started to really spiral down, I started having daily meltdowns again, I was violent towards those closest to me, I was incredibly irritable, I didn't want to have the baby as I thought I wasn't good enough, I would cry and scream for no reason, I would hit my belly as I wanted the baby out,  I didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house, I hated myself so much - the only thing keeping me here was my love for the little human inside of me and deep down I want this baby more than anything and I know I'll be a good mum, I just couldn't see it at this point. I had been on the medication for 5 years before my pregnancy, I was put on it when I was diagnosed with Aspergers and it really helped like I mentioned earlier. The feelings I was getting were how it had been for me all my life up until I started my medication and I hated it, I hated being out of control again, I hated struggling, I hated not understanding. I was cross and upset with myself that things were so difficult. It was having an impact on my whole family and my husband. I tell you what though I couldn't do any of this without them they have been my rocks throughout all of this. I have incredible parents, and a husband who's love for me is so strong he will stick by my side despite him seeing me fall apart and tell him I hate him on a daily basis. ( I don't hate any of them but how I felt led me to hating everyone and myself) 

It was then decided that it might be an idea to try me on a form of sedatives to help calm me through the rest of my pregnancy and they did absolutely nothing. I was still out of control and on a constant downwards spiral. It was then suggested to try me on a new medication which has sedatives and a mood stabiliser in it. I was very reluctant at first as I did not want any side affects to affect my little person in my belly. This medication is safe to take during pregnancy so after a lot of persuasion from the professionals I decided to give it a go. To begin with it did absolutely nothing apart from completely knock me out so I would sleep as I just couldn't settle or rest my mind. So the fact I was able to sleep was a good thing. We have been slowly increasing the dose so that it is starting to act as a mood stabiliser, and I'm starting to notice a difference in myself. I'm now washing and starting to care for myself again and going out to appointments without my hat on ( when i'm struggling I wear a wooly hat as it helps me cope with sensory overload and going out in public - makes me feel safe like I'm in my own bubble). 

I've still got a long way to go till I'm back on track and where I want to be but I feel I'm going in the right direction now and I can see an end to all this. Its only 7 weeks till our little one arrives and then I can get my body back, which is something I have really struggled with in pregnancy. Having Aspergers means I absolutely hate change and well being pregnant means things are constantly changing, and I'm not able to do my daily routine and not able to look after the horses or the dogs, but I'm starting to get excited for the arrival of baby smith. I can also see an end to all this unknown and being able to get myself back to the happy smiley Anna I really am and in to a new routine that will suit me and little one. 

So there you go that is just a small bit of my pregnancy story of being pregnant with Aspergers. Like I said it has been the most challenging thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding thing, and I feel blessed every day that I'm able to grow a little person and for mine and Jacks life to start as a family of 3 and get back to our new normal. I'm so grateful for my amazing parents and husband, I really don't know where I would be without them.  I now just keep telling myself that every day I am one step closer to meeting baby smith and that is keeping me going, and that I have done amazing to get as far as I have done and I can do this. I'm also trying to smile everyday as it's so easy to forget to when your down but a smile a day does keep the doctor away.

 This blog post has a picture of Robin because he always manages to make me smile and has helped me through the rough times.

Anyway enough rambling for this blog post.

Hope you are all well and jolly 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Lifestyle | Pregnancy Must Haves

Hey there! Hope everyone is well and jolly and enjoying this fantastic spring weather we have been having!! Oh wait we have just had shit loads of snow instead, and in March?! What's wrong with you weather?! Anyway lets hope that was just a minor blip, and that the nice person who controls the weather sends us spring soon.

I find it hard to be consistent with blog posts as being pregnant is tough and exhausting, and it's taken it's toll on me. Pregnancy has not been easy for me at all, with a) having Aspergers / Anxiety and being pregnant ( I hate change so why did I do this) and b) there being complications with the pregnancy and c) just being pregnant,  so I'm afraid I'm not always in the mood to write and be positive. However I'm trying to be positive and put on a smile as I have less than 2 months to go now and I know the end goal will be worth it! Plus I love blogging and rambling rubbish to you all.

In this blog post I thought I would talk to you all about pregnancy must haves, well the things that have helped me to get through the rough times.

A comfy pair of slippers! Now these are a must for any pregnant woman, unless you don't like slippers. Pregnancy brings a whole load of glamours things, one of which being swollen feet and ankles. My feet are so uncomfortable in anything at the moment and to be honest don't fit in much. If I had my own way I would go everywhere bare foot but that's not realistic in this country. So a nice comfy pair of slippers is great alternative as they will actually fit your feet, plus it's an excuse to treat yourself to a new pair.

A smelly candle! Now this isn't a must have for everyone but it is for me. I love candles, especially smelly ones (non smelling ones seem pointless if you ask me) and when I'm feeling down and miserable lighting a candle just helps lift the mood a little bit as it's not healthy for me to sit in a smelly room 24/7,  so Jack and my parents tell me anyway! I'm particularly in love with the candles from Magnificent wax - they have a great range of smells and they last for ages! Plus they are all homemade by a family.  Check them out on Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/magnifiscent_wax/

A Pregnancy pillow also know as giant Michelin man legs. Firstly the size of this pillow is hilarious, not only is it great as a pregnancy pillow but it's also great fun to pretend you have giant legs because that's what everyone would do right?! This has been my absolute lifesaver throughout my pregnancy, I don't know how I would sleep without it. It's cosy to hug, doesn't smell like a human,  and I can hug something without touching a human (It's an Asperger thing) and I can rest my bump on it! Jack's not such a fan of this as he now only has a small corner of the bed.

A hot water bottle. Not much to say on this other than it will become your best friend when you get all the lovely aches and pains that come with being pregnant.

A plastic cup and straw. Now this is not a must have for most but has been for me. Since becoming pregnant I have started to drink like a fish. I seriously drink soo much! So I invested in a few plastic bottles with straws and have taken a real liking to drinking from straws since I've been pregnant. So I always have one with me full of ice and water and one full of apple juice (think this baby is going to come out drinking apple juice not milk with the amount I drink)

A smile. This is a must have for any pregnant woman. Pregnancy is tough and it's certainly one of the hardest challenges I've ever had to face and more often than not I forget to smile. But it's something we should all do to remind us how incredible our bodies are for growing a little human and to remind ourselves that we can do this and it will all be worth it. 

Have managed to actually get a picture of Barney for this blog post so here he is :) 

Hope you are well and jolly :) 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Aspergers | Achievement #3

Hello there :) 

How is everyone today?! Hope you are all feeling great! Have you been up to anything exciting this week so far or have you got anything exciting planned?! Me and mum travelled up to London yesterday for a trip to Selfridges because we are cool like that! We didn't go to spend money we just wanted to look round and managed to spend over 2 hours on the first floor! There is just so much to look at in there it's a bit overwhelming. Luckily it wasn't very busy so we could look round easily. 

The main reason we went up to London was to go and look around The London School of Beauty, as I want to study to become a MUA (makeup artist). This is going to be a big thing for me as education and learning has always been a struggle for me. The London School of Beauty are able to cater for my specific needs which is fantastic as at last I will be able to start studying in a few weeks for my dream career path. However the school is in London which means I'm really going to have to step outside my comfort zone as I will have to travel to London by myself as mum won't be able to come all that way everyday but I feel ready for the challenge and I'm so passionate about makeup and becoming an MUA that I'm sure it will be worth it and it will be a gigantic achievement at the end of it!

Anyway enough of me rambling on about that! 

So today I thought I would share with you another one of my aspergers achievements, as my plan is to blog them and share them with others so I can look back to see the things I have achieved when things aren't going as well, remember positive thinking is the way forward well that's something I believe anyway. I also hope these posts may help others in similar situations. 

Like I have said in previous posts these achievements may sound silly to some people but to me they are incredibly big things. I have just been away on a lovely holiday to Wales with my family for a week and we had a lovely relaxing week. I'm incredibly grateful for my parents taking me with them on such a nice holiday. Wales is such a beautiful country, I think it's a country anyway, I always get confused with what is a country and what is a county they are spelt so similarly to confuse things further. We stayed in a beautiful house, which felt just like home which was a great thing as I get very unsettled and stressed in an unfamiliar environment but I settled in there almost straight away which meant the holiday went much smoother.

silly wind made me look like a lion!

Now previously when we have been on holiday, because I get stressed at the fact that I am in an unfamiliar environment and we are all together in one place for a period of time and well when I'm unsettled I'm quite good at winding the rest of my family up and starting arguments. Not on purpose I would like to add, I'm not purposefully awkward it's just part of me having aspergers and how it affects me.

These arguments never used to be small arguments, before I was on my current medication, my emotions would just take complete control over me and I would go crazy, I really couldn't help it, however the worst thing about it was that it would ruin our holidays, and I feel so guilty for that now mainly because I would make holidays difficult for my younger brother who is one of the sweetest and most patient young people going I think. To be honest I don't think I could ask for a better brother, I probably should tell him this more because he has put up with me and my quirks for so many years.

However I have been on my medication for 2 and half years now and it has worked wonders for me, it has helped me to be able to gain so much more control over my emotions, which means we have grown closer as a family so much and I love it :) Family are so important and now that I have got control over so many more things and understand more about aspergers and why I act the way I do we have been able to do so many lovely things as a family where things have gone okay and well our holiday to Wales was one of them.

We managed to go a whole week with no arguments, and I didn't ruin the holiday for Dom, we even went out for walks as a family without any arguments. Now to some of you this may all sound so silly but this really is a big achievement for me that I'm starting to be able to go on holiday and enjoy it, and my family enjoy it with no real big arguments.

We did have a small minor argument in the last couple of hours of the last day as we were packing up but now we all understand me and my ways so much more we were able to see what led up to me feeling the way I did, which were things like packing which I find stressful as things are changing, going home because I've not been feeling myself lately and I'm really struggling with friendships and am feeling very lonely and low at the moment and I was relaxed and happy where we were staying in Wales so wanted to stay. Now again these are only little things, but little things can lead to an explosion. This situation was dealt with by going for a walk with Barney and my mum following  along behind, as when I'm in a mood I'm best left alone to calm down.

My calm down walk with Barney along the beautiful canal! 

This really was only a minor thing and didn't ruin the holiday, In fact I think this holiday was one of the best as well as being stress and argument free ones we have ever had which resulted in us all having a great holiday and that is why to me this is another one of my achievements as a couple of years ago a holiday would have been more stress for everyone than it was worth and now we are able to all go away and have a fantastic time! Remember the little things are more often the big things so it's worth remembering them and celebrating them :) 

The Barney Picture today is one of him on one of the walks we did in Wales! He was obviously yawning and I managed to catch it in a photo, it makes me chuckle, looks like he is trying to say something! He is not however in my good books today as he has decided to roll in fox poo and he STINKS, literally the smell is so bad I can't even describe it we have had to open all the kitchen windows for air! Silly dog must have had a good old roll in it, me and mum are going to attempt to bath him later! Bath times aren't Barney's favourite thing!

Hope you are all well and jolly

Anna-Louise
xx

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Aspergers // mindless ramblings

Hellooo there :) 

Hope all is well with you all! How are you today? It's chilly where I am today just can't seem to get myself warm, think I might go and make a hot chocolate or tea in a minute and snuggle up in bed! What is your perfect lazy day? 

I'm lacking a bit of motivation this week, not been feeling myself been feeling rather down. That's aspergers and my mind for you though. The previous posts that I have written about aspergers have all been positives and about the achievements I have made regarding my aspergers. However today's post is going to be slightly different, it's going to be more about when things are more of a struggle. My mood can alter a lot like this I can be super happy and on cloud 9 for weeks then I can be down about everything for weeks. Does anyone else get like this?! I'm hoping some of you will be able to relate to this whether you have aspergers or not or whether you have an mental illness, anxiety, or you just might enjoy reading it. 

One of the things with aspergers is that people don't like change! Let me tell you now I hate change I just can't cope when things change or understand why they change if I'm happy with something why can't it just stay as it is?! Think back to the Big Bang Theory and Sheldon, and think about how he acts for example when they buy a table for them all to sit at to eat instead of on the sofa and Sheldon doesn't cope why did they need to change what he believes to be fine just the way it is. Well that's how I feel when things change. There have been a few changes going on at the moment in my life and I think that's one of the reasons why my mood has been brought right down. Now to some of you these changes will be minor and you'll be like why are you getting worked up about that but with aspergers any change is a change no matter how small or big it is. 

One of the changes is that my Mum has gone back to work, now my mum gave up work a couple of years ago to care for me when I was going through a really rough patch and since I have improved enormous amounts she has gone and got a job again, which is a big change as I have gone from having mum there all the time for me to call and ring and talk to etc to not having her there half as much. She only works one full day and two half days but for me that is a long time for her not to be around and at the moment I'm really struggling with that. I know that in time once I'm used to it all I will be much happier but at the moment it is a struggle and a change that is making me feel blurgh.

Another change is that one of the people who I work with is leaving. She is one of my favourite people to work with and we call ourselves the Friday night entertainment team! We have such a laugh! I'm incredibly happy for her that she will be able to get her weekend's back and for the first time in a long while will be only working one job and let me tell you she is one of the nicest people I have met and she deserves a bit more time for herself. As much as I am going to miss her, I'm so grateful for how supportive she has been to me and how she has helped me improve my confidence. 

My brother is also going around looking at universities and having interviews as he will be off to Uni in September. It's going to be so weird without him around all the time as annoying as he can be. There are other changes going on but don't want to bore you with my life too much!!

Now I'm gonna be honest I haven't really got much else to say today it's just one of those days when I'm not feeling myself! Sometimes I think it would be easier to have a normal mind but then I remember it's boring and I wouldn't have my funny bubbly self that will say whatever! Have been taking a lot of pictures this week for some blog posts so watch this space I have a couple of funny ones coming up, well I find them funny anyway.

It snowed here this afternoon finally! Only a little bit but enough for a covering, please can we have a bit more snow!!  Have any of you had lots of snow? What have you guys been up too or how have you been feeling this week would love to know :) pop me an email if you don't want to post a comment but want a chat, go to my contact page at the top of my blog for my email address!

My Love Tanya book came today, it looks amazing I'm so excited to read it and it looks like it has some really useful tips in it :) Think Tanya has done amazing to write a book like this! Well done Tanya! I love Tanya's video's they have really helped me when I've been feeling down and on being more positive and happy with life! Thank you Tanya. If you haven't checked out her videos already you should because they are great :)  Tanya Burr's channel

Barney has enjoyed playing in the snow with my dad this afternoon and had a snow ball fight with him! He didn't throw the balls obviously my dad did and he caught them! Imagine if he was clever enough to throw things, I'd be a millionaire!

Hope all is well and jolly with you lot!

Anna-Louise
xx

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Aspergers | 2nd achievement of 2015

Helloooo everyone 

How is everybody today? I'm rather tired if I'm honest, tried to watch Finding Nemo today because well you have to don't you it's a Disney classic! Well for my era it is anyway, was incredibly popular when I was younger. I think they are bringing out a new Finding Nemo Or Dory soon, do you guys know anything about that? Anyway back to my point I fell asleep through the whole of it, silly me so am going to try and re watch when I'm awake in the next week. I hope none of you are feeling to tired today, hopefully you are happy buzzing bees :)

Tiredness is something I really suffer with, I'm not lazy please don't think that! I had M.E in my last year of secondary school and sixth form and although I've recovered from the worst of I still suffer with tiredness a lot.  I can sleep for England and anywhere, I fell asleep at the Olympics who does that right?! Also if I ever try and do to much I will start to flake and need almost a quiet week to recover, good job I don't work full time hey! Anyway I'm rambling and going off topic about what this blog is about as usual, just letting you guys know a bit more about me I guess and well I'm open and want people to read this feel like they know me and that we are friends and friends talk and share about things that are on their mind right? Let me know if I'm wrong, social things aren't my thing. 

I'm currently listening to Ellie Goulding's new song Love Me Like You Do. I'm in love with it already, now I'm a bit of an Ellie Goulding fan already but her new one is just amazing go check it out :) She has made this one for the new film Fifty Shades of Grey that is coming out soon, will be interesting to see how they have done this film without making it too saucy, as well the books, need I really say more about them! 

What song are you guys liking at the moment? 

Right better get started to what this blog is actually about hey! So today I achieved my 2nd aspergers achievement of the year. If you have read my previous blogs you will know I have aspergers, if your new firstly hello, and  secondly I have aspergers so now you know! I always want to put haha after certain sentences, but then I'm laughing at myself and what I'm saying (I do that a lot apparently people don't tend to do that) doesn't bother me though I love laughing who doesn't?! Just you guys might not always see the funny side that I'm seeing. 

Social situations have always been one of my major difficulties and struggles I really don't like them if I'm honest. However over this last year I've been working incredibly hard on my confidence and coping with social situations. Working in a pub has really helped me come out of my shell, not that I actually have a shell but you know what I mean, it's helped me enormous amounts with talking to people. The thing about working in a pub is that there is almost like an invisible script of things you say to people so if conversation isn't following revert to your script, you also have to take their order and things like that so you kinda have to talk to people. This is great for building confidence not only if you have aspergers but also if you struggle with your confidence or have anxiety etc. 

My mum and her friends have set up a Book club, some of you may be reading this thinking okay then, but I personally think book clubs are one of the best inventions ever. They are probably not for you if your not a fan of reading, well even if your not they you could always go along to one to listen and meet new people and socialise in a relaxing, un-pressureised environment. Anyway I don't really have that many friends, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I struggle to keep friends and maintain friendships that's a bit of aspergers for you though isn't it. Don't get me wrong I have a couple of great friends who I have had for years, all of which are older than me, I find it easier to socialise with people who are older than me. What about you guys? My socialising is working at the pub and going up to the stables. Exciting life hey, I love it anyway. I would like to have more people and friends to sociliase with if I'm completely honest but I have Barney to talk to everyday! What more do I need?! 

Anyway I thought that the book club sounded interesting, I love to read so thought why not go along and see what it's like get to meet new people too. A year ago I would not have even considered this going to a club and chatting with a load of strangers in an unfamiliar environment don't think so. However the new more confident me was like yeah why not. So off I went, I thought I would feel nervous but I didn't I was a little unsure to begin with but it was great I really enjoyed it, I even wait for it joined in conversation with people I have never met before. I was the youngest person at the book club but that didn't bother me it made it easier as these people where easy to talk to and have some interesting things to say :) I really enjoyed myself and am looking forward to the next one. I've got the job of making the cake for the next meet up :) 

I would highly recommend joining something like a book club if you struggle with confidence or just want to get out and socialiase in a quiet environment where no one cares who you are and excepts you for the person you are. I felt very welcome which gave me the ability to speak great hey! So that's my achievement going and doing something different that I usually would hate and enjoying it! Some of you may be thinking big deal so what but for me this is a big thing and I'm proud of myself and wanted to share it with everybody! Things like this should definitely be celebrated! Little things that count hey!  

The book we have to read this month is called The Curvy Girls Club! Looks like a bit of a laugh and a light hearted read, I'll let you all know how I get on with it :)

I really hope these help people in someone, I want people to realise it's okay to be different, being different should be celebrated!  

Barney's got a bit of a sore eye at the moment silly thing! Not sure what he has done to it so I'm going to keep an eye on it for a bit. Barney says hello to everyone, he is sulking at the moment as I'm sitting on my sofa which he has claimed, he doesn't like to share so has gone downstairs to find his own spot. 

Me and my best friend Barney! Picture quality may not be great but I just love this photo and wanted to share it with all of you :)

Hope you are all well and jolly 

Anna-Louise

xx

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Aspergers | 2015 goals

Helloooo lovely people! 

How are you all? Hope all is fine and dandy :) It attempted to snow in Essex this morning, a very bad attempt though come on snow you can do better than that! 

I know we are half way through January but I thought it's not to late to write a post about the goals I have for 2015 to do with my aspergers. Since being diagnosed I have worked really hard on learning ways to cope and deal with the things that I find difficult and plan to do the same this year. So I thought I would let you guys know what my goals for this year are. You may have similar goals, or these may give you some ideas for things you may want to achieve this year.

Living with aspergers can be very difficult and it has presented me with a number of tricky challenges over the years, however with hard work and determination I seem to be improving lots and life is becoming easier and more enjoyable and I'm so much happier for it. There have been a lot of times throughout my time in this world so far (it's a very confusing world) where I have been very down and low but I just want to reassure you all that things do get better, there are people who experience the same difficulties as you and there are people to talk to. I really hope some of my posts will be able to help some people, and if you ever want someone to talk to you can always pop me an email I'd be happy to chat my email address is on my page :) 

So here are my goals for 2015:

Become more independent. This is a big thing more, something I have really struggled with too. I have got a lot more independent especially over the last year, I think my part time job at the pub has helped with this as I can't take my mum or dog to work and a lovely lady has helped me become more independent last year by letting me help her with all her horses. I don't like being away from home, and especially being away from my mum I've always been very clingy and reliant on my mum from an early age, I think that's because she's always been there and accepted me for who I am. However my mum can't do everything with me and go everywhere with me as much as I may want her to so I would really like to improve my independence this year so I can learn that I don't need to rely on her and others and that I can stand on my own two feet. The outside world is very different from my home world. Barney has also helped huge amounts, well to be honest he has made the world of difference to my independence and continues to. I take him everywhere I can, having him there just makes everything okay he is like my safety net. Hopefully this year I would like to be able to go into the town where I live by myself and look around the shops or take Barney for walks by myself and work more on being able to be left at home alone for short periods of time (this makes me very anxious). All these things are definitely ways in which I should be able to become more independent and work on this year. There are other things as well but if I write them all down I might as well start a book. How do you guys cope with being independent? 

Think Positive. This is something I'm always telling myself to do. I think that it's such an important thing to do as well as you feel so much better when you think positively about things. Its very easy to fall in to the trap of focusing on the things that aren't going well believe me. However when you start to think positively I feel I feel 100x better and much happier in general so this is something I want to continue to do this year and work hard at making sure I have more positive thoughts. Positivity is the way forward. 

Grow my confidence and self confidence. This is something I really want to work hard on this year. My confidence has come on leaps and bounds over the last year. About a year ago I didn't even want to leave the house I was so nervous, now I have a part time job in a pub which I love and am even drove all the way up to Yorkshire. Working in the pub has brought my confidence on so much, I'm so fortunate to work in such a lovely environment with lovely people it really has helped so hopefully working there this year will continue to grow my confidence. Barney also helps my confidence, I feel safe and secure whenever he is with me, and he has helped me go to a lot of places with me. Fingers crossed my confidence will grow.  Self confidence is something I need to work on a lot this year I really struggle with this as I can imagine many girls of my age do (I'm 19). I'm actually on medication for my to help with my aspergers as when my emotions go all over the place I don't know how to act so I tend to get rather angry and depressed and my medication has helped me to learn to control my emotions and moods. However they also make you put on a lot of weight which has affected my self confidence. I love exercise and keeping fit so by monitoring my food and exercising a lot I've managed to lose a bit but will never be able to be the size I used to be so I'm going to try really hard this year to love the body I have now. It's not all about being super thin, being happy is the most important thing and that's something I'm always trying to remind myself. I'd also like to work more on being proud of who I am and not worrying what others think, and that not everybody is looking at me when I go out (get very anxious about this) so hopefully this will all improve this year. 

Reduce swearing and rude language. This is something that I really need to work on this year! Although I have conquered a lot of my anger and how I react when I'm angry I have a big tendency to swear for England when I'm frustrated or angry now. My poor family take most of it and they are very good about it as they know I don't really mean what I'm saying, my silly emotions taking over hey! However I'm determined this year to crack down on it, mainly for them but also for me. I have habit of sending rude texts when I'm angry or upset to so I need to improve on reducing them this year to. I think this is going to be one of my hardest goals this year as when my emotions go all over the place I do lose control of what I'm saying and doing so don't realise I'm doing it but I think its something I may be able to work on. Do you guys have any ideas how I could stop this? Do you have any words you use instead? 

 Meet new people. Having aspergers means that social skills aren't really my thing. I'd like to improve them if I can this year and meet new people. I really struggle with making friendships and maintaining them which has made me feel rather lonely. Obviously my best friend is Barney and he's always there, another reason why I got him. He loves me for me and it's great. I'm certain most people with aspergers are in the same boat as me. It's tough making friends, but hopefully with my independence and confidence improving this will just fall into place. I also wanted to start blogging in the hope that I would meet new people as talking to people via blogs etc is much easier than talking face to face with people, something that I'm not a big fan of. Do you guys have any tips with how you have dealt with this? 

So there you have it there are my 2015 goals for my aspergers :)
What goals do you have?

And as always a picture of Barney because he is the best :) The last picture is of Barney and Katie our other dog having fun on a walk yesterday, always puts a smile on my face when I see these two racing each other and having fun:) 

Hope you are all well and Jolly :) 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Aspergers | update on 1st achievement of 2015

Helloooo :)

Just thought I would give you an update on my achievement. As you all know I made it up to Yorkshire all by myself.....well good news I also made it back to Essex in one piece and all by myself! Well Barney was with me of course but he's a dog so he doesn't actually talk, otherwise me and Barney would be millionaires by now living on an exotic island called Anbar. Barney slept the whole way back today but I think it's because he was completely knackered after his walk round the Yorkshire showground with Ted and Jessie the puppy. 

Jessie the puppy on the left and Ted on the right

I arrived home with a big smile on my face today as there is no better feeling than completing one of your biggest challenges. There were even less phone calls today but I think that's because everyone was working other than my Gran. I was lucky enough to have lovely weather for the journey home and I always think the Sun instantly puts everyone in a better mood. 

Whats your favourite type of weather? 

I did think I had a flat tyre again at one point and had a slight panic but then I realised it was just the road surface that had changed. Also the A1 is a long old road, a very long road, it felt like a never ending road so lots of singing took place again. 

I ended up staying at my aunts whilst I was in Yorkshire. She lives in Harrogate which if you haven't been is a lovely town, if your ever visiting Yorkshire and your nearby definitely pay it a visit. Whilst I was there I went in to Harrogate for some lunch with my aunt. We went to this lovely tea shop called Jakes which sold the biggest cakes and meringues you have ever seen in your life, so big that they could probably eat you. Not that food can eat people that would be a strange world if it could, would be a bit like the film Cloudy with a Chance of meatballs. We had a lovely goats cheese and beetroot ciabatta  sandwhich with rocket and tomato salad and vegetable crisps. It was delicious! Vegetable crisps seem to becoming more popular, they are very yummy. 

Have any of you tried Vegetable crisps? What did you think? 

Yummy sandwhich

Charlotte came over for dinner last night and we went to the Yorkshire Meatball co for dinner. Which was delicious. However as we where eating it started to snow. I had a little panic (I worry and panic a lot) as I was worried about how Charlotte would get home, and I was worried that I wouldn't get home the next day. When I get something in my head that is happening it has to happen otherwise I just can't seem to cope. Things have to go to plan but again that's my Aspergers brain for you. Charlotte got home safe and sound and as I was going to bed it started to snow heavier so mum got a few panicked texts. When I woke up the road was covered in snow, but turns out it was just a light covering and the main roads where fine so panic over! After a lovely snowy walk around the showground again this morning with the dogs Barney and I set off on our journey home. My aunts road was still snowy and had turned icy and I was very worried about driving on it so my aunt very kindly came in the car with me till I got safely to the main roads and then she walked back. Thanks Auntie Sarah! Despite this I then had a lovely journey home and am tucked up in bed. A big tick next to this achievement! I did it and survived and its the best feeling. Don't give up on any achievements you want to do you will get there :) Remember anything is possible when you put your mind to it and also never forget to smile, smiling makes everything better :) 

 Yorkshire Showground this morning 

Did any of you have any snow? Have any of you got any plans on something you want to achieve this year? Have you guys done anything exciting today? 

Barney had fun in the snow this morning, at one point he got all confident and ran down a hill in the snow, but ended up sliding down it on his bum! He was very confused bless him! He has never seen snow before! 

Barney in the snow

Hope you are all well and jolly! 

Anna-Louise

xox

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Aspergers Syndrome | 1st achievement of 2015

Hello Lovely People!

How are you all? Hope you've had a lovely day :) Remember never forget to smile. 

So today I thought I would write a blog post about something that's quite close to my heart. You may or may not know that I have Asperger's if you already did thats cool, if you didn't know, well you do now. If you don't know what Asperger's is think of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and well that's a very good interpretation of what it is.  I was only diagnosed about a year and half ago, and throughout a lot of my childhood a lot of basic things have been a struggle for infact even now somethings I'm unable to do. However since being diagonsed I've been working really hard on getting to know myself and working on the things that are a struggle for me. I believe in the saying you can do anything you want to do if you put your mind to it, well at least I think that's the saying. I thought that I would write a blog post every time a make an achievement. It might help other people who read this who are in the same situation as me, to help them work towards achieving the things that they want to you. 

Now to a lot of people the big achievement I made today will seem like nothing but to me it was one of the biggest things of my life. I have a real thing about being by myself, or doing anything by myself, or going anywhere by myself. I get incredibly anxious, and my emotions go all over the place, my only way of describing of how I was in those situations is out of control, no matter what people said nothing would stop how I was feeling. I think I may have only ever been to Tesco's once or twice by myself before, and usually then I would have someone waiting in the car for me. The other day I put fuel in the car all by myself for the first time since learning to drive which was 2 and half years ago, and I didn't even panic when something went a little bit wrong, instead I handled the situation well (That's a first for me). I've been working so hard on my confidence, and today for the first time I drove all the way to Yorkshire with just barney in the car. 

I've been to Charlotte's in Yorkshire a number of times since she moved up there but somebody always took me and stayed close by. However after lots of practice shorter drives I finally decided to make the 3 hour drive up to Yorkshire and....... I DID IT!! YAY!! I made it all the way there safely and I'm so proud of myself. Let me just say though there where still lots of phone calls made throughout the journey mainly to my mum, but also my dad, gran and Charlotte. The weather was awful which didn't make driving condition's easy, the rain was so heavy at times I literally couldn't see, I also thought people where following me and that I had burst my tire at one point as I herd a funny noise! Neither of those did happen but that's just my Aspergers brain for you, always over thinking and thinking about the worst possible out come. Despite those things I still made it in one piece. I had my music really loud and was singing at the top of my voice (I can't sing) but the nice thing about travelling with just Barney was the fact my brother or dad weren't there to tell me to stop attempting to sing so I could just carry on!  I have still got to make it back on Wednesday, I'm sure I will but will keep you updated. 

So there you have it, that's my first big achievement of this year. I'm definitely going to keep writing my achievements in the hope that it may help others learn that nothing is impossible or that it will just make people smile hearing about how I'm coming on. 

Whats big achievements have you guys made? I would love to hear about them or if you want to share any of your own experiences of Aspergers with me then I would also love to hear them.

Also a big thanks to the lovely Barney for keeping me company, giving me confidence and putting up with my singing. 

Hope you are all well and Jolly

Over and out 

Anna-Louise 

xox

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