Lifestyle | Autistic and Pregnant #1

Hello there :) How is everyone? We are properly getting into march now and the weather is starting to warm up yippee and about time. I don't know where the time goes, seems to wiz by in my old age of 22. 

Today I thought I would talk to you all a little bit about my experience of being pregnant with Aspergers. It's not something easy to write about and I think I'm going to have to do it over a few different posts so not to bore you all. 

Where to start hey?! So if you don't already know I'm Anna-Louise and I'm 22 years old and I have Aspergers and with that have had a lot of anxiety. I'm now pregnant, currently 32 weeks and I thought I would tell you all a little bit about my story.

April 2017 I married my best friend which was a challenge and an achievement in itself. We made the whole day completely tailored around what I could and couldn't cope with so that I was able to fully enjoy the day without any panic attacks or meltdowns. If you know anything about Aspergers you will know that Aspies don't cope well with change, people, sensory overload etc so the wedding was a big deal for me. Now the sensible thing would have been to try and settle after that and get used to married life and well just calm things down so I could get back to my routine (something that is very important for an autistic person). However we thought it would be a good idea to try for a baby instead. I say try we just weren't being careful anymore and were just planning on seeing what happened (thinking it would take a long time) and well apparently we are both fertile myrtles and here we are now a year later having a baby. 

The baby is due to arrive via the sun roof a couple of days before our 1st wedding anniversary, so last year we were hectic wedding planning, now we are manic getting ready for our new arrival. So a nice  and quiet life with a steady routine for me so I can cope, or NOT. 

We both knew pregnancy would never be easy for me, but I'm not sure either of us knew quite how difficult and challenging it would be. I have to say being pregnant is the hardest challenge I have ever had to face, don't get me wrong I'm super excited to meet our little person but it's been a real struggle for me to get to where I am now and there is still a long way to go. 

Before I got pregnant I was on a number of different medications, which all worked great for me and enabled me to have steady thoughts, no real meltdowns and as I like to say feel normal (although everyone is unique in their own little way so what is normal?). However two of the medications were definitely not safe to take during pregnancy so had to be stopped immediately and the other is okay to take but it can carry risks so we decided to weigh up the pros and cons and I decided to stay on one of the medications as it was likely I would be at risk to myself if I came off it. This was hard, as I went from being in a good place where I was in control of myself to being on this crazy spiral of hormones, emotions (which I struggle to understand and read) and morning sickness or as I like to call it all day sickness. 

I have gone from being a positive up beat happy person, to a stranger. I don't feel like me at all which for an autistic person is frightening. I was able to carry on with the one medication up until about 24 weeks of pregnancy when I started to notice I wasn't feeling the baby as much, so I kept going into hospital to be monitored and they decided to send me for an extra scan where they found out I had an extremely large amount of extra fluid in my womb, they weren't sure what was causing it at first (which was incredibly never wracking) so I was sent for specialist scans. When I found out I had a lot of fluid I made the decision myself to stop taking my medication till we knew what was going on. A few days later I went for my specialist scan which was a challenge as with Aspergers you like to know what's going on and you also like to go to familiar places and this specialist scan meant I had to go to a different hospital, so there were different smells and environment - basically a big sensory overload situation for me. 

The professor carrying out the scans first thought was that the build up of fluid was because of my medication that I was still on, and my fluid had gone down since my previous scan and I hadn't been on my medication, so it was concluded that it was highly likely that it was the medication causing this so it was agreed that I was to stop taking it completely for the rest of my pregnancy. Everything was absolutely fine with the baby and little one even had a heart echo. It's incredible what they are able to do now. There were other queries that it might be down to me and the baby having a form of diabetes, known as diabetes insipudious which the medication has caused, however my fluid is now back to a normal level and I also have a very big baby (can thank my 6ft6 husband for that) so the likely thing is that it was due to my medication. 

Because of the extra fluid I also was in for almost daily monitoring of the baby as I was unable to feel his movements which has been a challenge in itself, and not helping me feel the way I have been. The constant unknown has been unbearable. I've also had the support of a fantastic perinatal psychiatric nurse who I have seen weekly, which although the support has been great has meant that most of my pregnancy has been spent in and out of hospital.

When I initially stopped my medication I was on a high, I felt amazing and even thought I may be able to come off my medication permanently which would have been amazing. However that was not meant to be and I slowly started to really spiral down, I started having daily meltdowns again, I was violent towards those closest to me, I was incredibly irritable, I didn't want to have the baby as I thought I wasn't good enough, I would cry and scream for no reason, I would hit my belly as I wanted the baby out,  I didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house, I hated myself so much - the only thing keeping me here was my love for the little human inside of me and deep down I want this baby more than anything and I know I'll be a good mum, I just couldn't see it at this point. I had been on the medication for 5 years before my pregnancy, I was put on it when I was diagnosed with Aspergers and it really helped like I mentioned earlier. The feelings I was getting were how it had been for me all my life up until I started my medication and I hated it, I hated being out of control again, I hated struggling, I hated not understanding. I was cross and upset with myself that things were so difficult. It was having an impact on my whole family and my husband. I tell you what though I couldn't do any of this without them they have been my rocks throughout all of this. I have incredible parents, and a husband who's love for me is so strong he will stick by my side despite him seeing me fall apart and tell him I hate him on a daily basis. ( I don't hate any of them but how I felt led me to hating everyone and myself) 

It was then decided that it might be an idea to try me on a form of sedatives to help calm me through the rest of my pregnancy and they did absolutely nothing. I was still out of control and on a constant downwards spiral. It was then suggested to try me on a new medication which has sedatives and a mood stabiliser in it. I was very reluctant at first as I did not want any side affects to affect my little person in my belly. This medication is safe to take during pregnancy so after a lot of persuasion from the professionals I decided to give it a go. To begin with it did absolutely nothing apart from completely knock me out so I would sleep as I just couldn't settle or rest my mind. So the fact I was able to sleep was a good thing. We have been slowly increasing the dose so that it is starting to act as a mood stabiliser, and I'm starting to notice a difference in myself. I'm now washing and starting to care for myself again and going out to appointments without my hat on ( when i'm struggling I wear a wooly hat as it helps me cope with sensory overload and going out in public - makes me feel safe like I'm in my own bubble). 

I've still got a long way to go till I'm back on track and where I want to be but I feel I'm going in the right direction now and I can see an end to all this. Its only 7 weeks till our little one arrives and then I can get my body back, which is something I have really struggled with in pregnancy. Having Aspergers means I absolutely hate change and well being pregnant means things are constantly changing, and I'm not able to do my daily routine and not able to look after the horses or the dogs, but I'm starting to get excited for the arrival of baby smith. I can also see an end to all this unknown and being able to get myself back to the happy smiley Anna I really am and in to a new routine that will suit me and little one. 

So there you go that is just a small bit of my pregnancy story of being pregnant with Aspergers. Like I said it has been the most challenging thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding thing, and I feel blessed every day that I'm able to grow a little person and for mine and Jacks life to start as a family of 3 and get back to our new normal. I'm so grateful for my amazing parents and husband, I really don't know where I would be without them.  I now just keep telling myself that every day I am one step closer to meeting baby smith and that is keeping me going, and that I have done amazing to get as far as I have done and I can do this. I'm also trying to smile everyday as it's so easy to forget to when your down but a smile a day does keep the doctor away.

 This blog post has a picture of Robin because he always manages to make me smile and has helped me through the rough times.

Anyway enough rambling for this blog post.

Hope you are all well and jolly 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Lifestyle | Pregnancy Must Haves

Hey there! Hope everyone is well and jolly and enjoying this fantastic spring weather we have been having!! Oh wait we have just had shit loads of snow instead, and in March?! What's wrong with you weather?! Anyway lets hope that was just a minor blip, and that the nice person who controls the weather sends us spring soon.

I find it hard to be consistent with blog posts as being pregnant is tough and exhausting, and it's taken it's toll on me. Pregnancy has not been easy for me at all, with a) having Aspergers / Anxiety and being pregnant ( I hate change so why did I do this) and b) there being complications with the pregnancy and c) just being pregnant,  so I'm afraid I'm not always in the mood to write and be positive. However I'm trying to be positive and put on a smile as I have less than 2 months to go now and I know the end goal will be worth it! Plus I love blogging and rambling rubbish to you all.

In this blog post I thought I would talk to you all about pregnancy must haves, well the things that have helped me to get through the rough times.

A comfy pair of slippers! Now these are a must for any pregnant woman, unless you don't like slippers. Pregnancy brings a whole load of glamours things, one of which being swollen feet and ankles. My feet are so uncomfortable in anything at the moment and to be honest don't fit in much. If I had my own way I would go everywhere bare foot but that's not realistic in this country. So a nice comfy pair of slippers is great alternative as they will actually fit your feet, plus it's an excuse to treat yourself to a new pair.

A smelly candle! Now this isn't a must have for everyone but it is for me. I love candles, especially smelly ones (non smelling ones seem pointless if you ask me) and when I'm feeling down and miserable lighting a candle just helps lift the mood a little bit as it's not healthy for me to sit in a smelly room 24/7,  so Jack and my parents tell me anyway! I'm particularly in love with the candles from Magnificent wax - they have a great range of smells and they last for ages! Plus they are all homemade by a family.  Check them out on Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/magnifiscent_wax/

A Pregnancy pillow also know as giant Michelin man legs. Firstly the size of this pillow is hilarious, not only is it great as a pregnancy pillow but it's also great fun to pretend you have giant legs because that's what everyone would do right?! This has been my absolute lifesaver throughout my pregnancy, I don't know how I would sleep without it. It's cosy to hug, doesn't smell like a human,  and I can hug something without touching a human (It's an Asperger thing) and I can rest my bump on it! Jack's not such a fan of this as he now only has a small corner of the bed.

A hot water bottle. Not much to say on this other than it will become your best friend when you get all the lovely aches and pains that come with being pregnant.

A plastic cup and straw. Now this is not a must have for most but has been for me. Since becoming pregnant I have started to drink like a fish. I seriously drink soo much! So I invested in a few plastic bottles with straws and have taken a real liking to drinking from straws since I've been pregnant. So I always have one with me full of ice and water and one full of apple juice (think this baby is going to come out drinking apple juice not milk with the amount I drink)

A smile. This is a must have for any pregnant woman. Pregnancy is tough and it's certainly one of the hardest challenges I've ever had to face and more often than not I forget to smile. But it's something we should all do to remind us how incredible our bodies are for growing a little human and to remind ourselves that we can do this and it will all be worth it. 

Have managed to actually get a picture of Barney for this blog post so here he is :) 

Hope you are well and jolly :) 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Lifestyle | Where have I been?

Well hey strangers! It's certainly been a long while or should I say a few years even! Apparently life can get very busy and well take up all your time. My blog definitely took a back seat whilst I've been traveling around the world (that's a lie but sounds cool), whilst I've been travelling around my bubble as I like to call it! I'm not sure where to start with filling you all in with what I've been up to otherwise I could be writing this post for years but I'll try and do a brief summary for you all!

What exciting things have you all been up to over the past couple years? 

So let's begin.....

First I moved house which I mentioned before. Then I bought my own home with my now husband (yes someone was mad enough to marry me). We then spent what felt like forever doing it up and decorating it and making it look lovely, which it is. However I then decided that it was all too much for me to be living in my own home thanks to my aspergers and was just too much for me to cope with so we are now much to my parents excitement (or not) back living at theirs. But not just Jack, Barney and me, also an incredibly annoying but lovely cocker spaniel named Robin oh and if that wasn't enough a soon to be newborn baby as I'm now pregnant! You can probably imagine how thrilled they are to have us back and their peace and quiet taken away! 

So yeah in the past couple of years I've managed to gain another dog to the collection, he is awesome but beyond annoying and incredibly lively! Basically the dog version of me; drive you mad most of the time but the cuteness and the character makes you love us! As lovely as it is having two dogs I'm not sure how mum and dad feel as it means there are currently 4 in the house as they have two of their own; we are not short of dog hair to say the least! I've included below a picture of me dancing with Robin on my wedding day as everyone dances with their dog at their wedding!

Aswell as the added addition of a dog I got married last April! It was by far the best day of my life so far as I married my best friend Jack who is currently snoring next to me so thought I would write this post! I'm planning on doing some blog posts on my wedding day and about how I made it autism friendly.

And then just because I'm someone who loves change and being busy (haha biggest joke yet) Jack and I decided to start a family. We are expecting our first baby in April this year!!! Not long to go now! We are incredibly excited although I can't lie I'm not enjoying this whole being pregnant thing. I'm also planning on doing some posts on pregnancy and then baby posts too so if thats not for you sorry you'll have to skip those ones. The bad quality image below is of our small human despite the fact he looks more like an alien at 16 weeks old. He is now a lot bigger and so am I!

And as always I will continue to do a Barney photo at the end of my posts, although to spice things up a bit I'm going to alternate them between Barney and Robin as I can't be seen to be favouring one or the other! The one below for this post is them pulling Jack and I out of the church! 

Hope you are all well and jolly :) 

Anna-Louise 

xx

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Aspergers | Achievement #3

Hello there :) 

How is everyone today?! Hope you are all feeling great! Have you been up to anything exciting this week so far or have you got anything exciting planned?! Me and mum travelled up to London yesterday for a trip to Selfridges because we are cool like that! We didn't go to spend money we just wanted to look round and managed to spend over 2 hours on the first floor! There is just so much to look at in there it's a bit overwhelming. Luckily it wasn't very busy so we could look round easily. 

The main reason we went up to London was to go and look around The London School of Beauty, as I want to study to become a MUA (makeup artist). This is going to be a big thing for me as education and learning has always been a struggle for me. The London School of Beauty are able to cater for my specific needs which is fantastic as at last I will be able to start studying in a few weeks for my dream career path. However the school is in London which means I'm really going to have to step outside my comfort zone as I will have to travel to London by myself as mum won't be able to come all that way everyday but I feel ready for the challenge and I'm so passionate about makeup and becoming an MUA that I'm sure it will be worth it and it will be a gigantic achievement at the end of it!

Anyway enough of me rambling on about that! 

So today I thought I would share with you another one of my aspergers achievements, as my plan is to blog them and share them with others so I can look back to see the things I have achieved when things aren't going as well, remember positive thinking is the way forward well that's something I believe anyway. I also hope these posts may help others in similar situations. 

Like I have said in previous posts these achievements may sound silly to some people but to me they are incredibly big things. I have just been away on a lovely holiday to Wales with my family for a week and we had a lovely relaxing week. I'm incredibly grateful for my parents taking me with them on such a nice holiday. Wales is such a beautiful country, I think it's a country anyway, I always get confused with what is a country and what is a county they are spelt so similarly to confuse things further. We stayed in a beautiful house, which felt just like home which was a great thing as I get very unsettled and stressed in an unfamiliar environment but I settled in there almost straight away which meant the holiday went much smoother.

silly wind made me look like a lion!

Now previously when we have been on holiday, because I get stressed at the fact that I am in an unfamiliar environment and we are all together in one place for a period of time and well when I'm unsettled I'm quite good at winding the rest of my family up and starting arguments. Not on purpose I would like to add, I'm not purposefully awkward it's just part of me having aspergers and how it affects me.

These arguments never used to be small arguments, before I was on my current medication, my emotions would just take complete control over me and I would go crazy, I really couldn't help it, however the worst thing about it was that it would ruin our holidays, and I feel so guilty for that now mainly because I would make holidays difficult for my younger brother who is one of the sweetest and most patient young people going I think. To be honest I don't think I could ask for a better brother, I probably should tell him this more because he has put up with me and my quirks for so many years.

However I have been on my medication for 2 and half years now and it has worked wonders for me, it has helped me to be able to gain so much more control over my emotions, which means we have grown closer as a family so much and I love it :) Family are so important and now that I have got control over so many more things and understand more about aspergers and why I act the way I do we have been able to do so many lovely things as a family where things have gone okay and well our holiday to Wales was one of them.

We managed to go a whole week with no arguments, and I didn't ruin the holiday for Dom, we even went out for walks as a family without any arguments. Now to some of you this may all sound so silly but this really is a big achievement for me that I'm starting to be able to go on holiday and enjoy it, and my family enjoy it with no real big arguments.

We did have a small minor argument in the last couple of hours of the last day as we were packing up but now we all understand me and my ways so much more we were able to see what led up to me feeling the way I did, which were things like packing which I find stressful as things are changing, going home because I've not been feeling myself lately and I'm really struggling with friendships and am feeling very lonely and low at the moment and I was relaxed and happy where we were staying in Wales so wanted to stay. Now again these are only little things, but little things can lead to an explosion. This situation was dealt with by going for a walk with Barney and my mum following  along behind, as when I'm in a mood I'm best left alone to calm down.

My calm down walk with Barney along the beautiful canal! 

This really was only a minor thing and didn't ruin the holiday, In fact I think this holiday was one of the best as well as being stress and argument free ones we have ever had which resulted in us all having a great holiday and that is why to me this is another one of my achievements as a couple of years ago a holiday would have been more stress for everyone than it was worth and now we are able to all go away and have a fantastic time! Remember the little things are more often the big things so it's worth remembering them and celebrating them :) 

The Barney Picture today is one of him on one of the walks we did in Wales! He was obviously yawning and I managed to catch it in a photo, it makes me chuckle, looks like he is trying to say something! He is not however in my good books today as he has decided to roll in fox poo and he STINKS, literally the smell is so bad I can't even describe it we have had to open all the kitchen windows for air! Silly dog must have had a good old roll in it, me and mum are going to attempt to bath him later! Bath times aren't Barney's favourite thing!

Hope you are all well and jolly

Anna-Louise
xx

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Aspergers // mindless ramblings

Hellooo there :) 

Hope all is well with you all! How are you today? It's chilly where I am today just can't seem to get myself warm, think I might go and make a hot chocolate or tea in a minute and snuggle up in bed! What is your perfect lazy day? 

I'm lacking a bit of motivation this week, not been feeling myself been feeling rather down. That's aspergers and my mind for you though. The previous posts that I have written about aspergers have all been positives and about the achievements I have made regarding my aspergers. However today's post is going to be slightly different, it's going to be more about when things are more of a struggle. My mood can alter a lot like this I can be super happy and on cloud 9 for weeks then I can be down about everything for weeks. Does anyone else get like this?! I'm hoping some of you will be able to relate to this whether you have aspergers or not or whether you have an mental illness, anxiety, or you just might enjoy reading it. 

One of the things with aspergers is that people don't like change! Let me tell you now I hate change I just can't cope when things change or understand why they change if I'm happy with something why can't it just stay as it is?! Think back to the Big Bang Theory and Sheldon, and think about how he acts for example when they buy a table for them all to sit at to eat instead of on the sofa and Sheldon doesn't cope why did they need to change what he believes to be fine just the way it is. Well that's how I feel when things change. There have been a few changes going on at the moment in my life and I think that's one of the reasons why my mood has been brought right down. Now to some of you these changes will be minor and you'll be like why are you getting worked up about that but with aspergers any change is a change no matter how small or big it is. 

One of the changes is that my Mum has gone back to work, now my mum gave up work a couple of years ago to care for me when I was going through a really rough patch and since I have improved enormous amounts she has gone and got a job again, which is a big change as I have gone from having mum there all the time for me to call and ring and talk to etc to not having her there half as much. She only works one full day and two half days but for me that is a long time for her not to be around and at the moment I'm really struggling with that. I know that in time once I'm used to it all I will be much happier but at the moment it is a struggle and a change that is making me feel blurgh.

Another change is that one of the people who I work with is leaving. She is one of my favourite people to work with and we call ourselves the Friday night entertainment team! We have such a laugh! I'm incredibly happy for her that she will be able to get her weekend's back and for the first time in a long while will be only working one job and let me tell you she is one of the nicest people I have met and she deserves a bit more time for herself. As much as I am going to miss her, I'm so grateful for how supportive she has been to me and how she has helped me improve my confidence. 

My brother is also going around looking at universities and having interviews as he will be off to Uni in September. It's going to be so weird without him around all the time as annoying as he can be. There are other changes going on but don't want to bore you with my life too much!!

Now I'm gonna be honest I haven't really got much else to say today it's just one of those days when I'm not feeling myself! Sometimes I think it would be easier to have a normal mind but then I remember it's boring and I wouldn't have my funny bubbly self that will say whatever! Have been taking a lot of pictures this week for some blog posts so watch this space I have a couple of funny ones coming up, well I find them funny anyway.

It snowed here this afternoon finally! Only a little bit but enough for a covering, please can we have a bit more snow!!  Have any of you had lots of snow? What have you guys been up too or how have you been feeling this week would love to know :) pop me an email if you don't want to post a comment but want a chat, go to my contact page at the top of my blog for my email address!

My Love Tanya book came today, it looks amazing I'm so excited to read it and it looks like it has some really useful tips in it :) Think Tanya has done amazing to write a book like this! Well done Tanya! I love Tanya's video's they have really helped me when I've been feeling down and on being more positive and happy with life! Thank you Tanya. If you haven't checked out her videos already you should because they are great :)  Tanya Burr's channel

Barney has enjoyed playing in the snow with my dad this afternoon and had a snow ball fight with him! He didn't throw the balls obviously my dad did and he caught them! Imagine if he was clever enough to throw things, I'd be a millionaire!

Hope all is well and jolly with you lot!

Anna-Louise
xx

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